Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21)
Introduction
When I was young, I had an experience that taught me an important lesson about personal boundaries and how words can affect people. I was in a garage with a friend, and we were talking about boy-girl relationships. Our conversation was innocent and playful until my friend's father joined in and began teasing him about having a girlfriend. His teasing started light-heartedly but quickly became too much for my friend. Despite my friend's attempts to change the subject, his father teased him until my friend was in tears.
This experience taught me the importance of respecting our children's boundaries and being mindful of our words. It takes effort to avoid crossing a boundary, even unintentionally. As fathers, we must lead by example, showing sympathy and understanding towards our children and being acutely aware of how our actions can impact them. This lesson, rooted in my personal experience, echoes the teachings of Paul in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21.
Relying On the Lord
Fathers, your work in family life should not be lonely. Yes, fathers, your role in your children's emotional and spiritual development is pivotal. However, effective, godly parenting is not a solitary endeavor but requires spiritual fullness. Scripture underscores the necessity for fathers to be filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18) through the word of Christ to guide and nurture their families (Col. 3:16). This necessitates relinquishing self-reliance and embracing the Spirit's guidance, fostering an atmosphere of respect, love, and spiritual growth within the family.
A Father's Responsibility
The Scriptures strongly emphasize fathers' role in their children's spiritual development. The original Greek term pateres, typically translated as "fathers," applies to parents in general and indicates that both mothers and fathers are involved in the nurturing process, as seen in Hebrews 11:23. However, the specific mention of fathers highlights their primary responsibility in this area. This cultural authority does not diminish the role of mothers but instead emphasizes the unique and crucial role fathers have in their children's spiritual growth.
The Negative Command
In Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, the Apostle Paul articulates a significant paradigm shift in the parental approach within Christian families, particularly emphasizing the role of fathers. Historically, both Gentile and Jewish societies often saw fathers exercising a rigid and domineering authority over their families.
Given its cultural and historical context, the command "Do not provoke your children to anger" is notably significant. The term "provoke" carries the connotation of inciting or irritating to the point where anger festers into resentment and bitterness. This provocation can arise from harmful parenting practices, such as imposing unrealistic expectations, favoritism, inconsistency, or severe disciplinary measures not tempered by love and understanding. This command serves as a corrective measure, urging fathers to cease actions that lead to exasperation and instead cultivate a familial atmosphere that inspires obedience by love and gentleness rather than fear or domination.
Paternal leadership should not be a reign of terror but one of love and reason, where discipline is administered not out of impulse but through considered and moderate actions. This perspective aligns with the broader scriptural encouragement for parents to be models of godliness, showing love, patience, and discipline in a manner that mirrors the Heavenly Father's relationship with His children.
In practical terms, avoiding provocation means fathers must engage in self-reflection and growth, striving to embody the virtues of the new man in Christ—marked by righteousness and holiness. This transformation is made possible through the Holy Spirit, as Paul connects this new way of living to the Spirit's filling and empowerment (Ephesians 5:18). Such a Spirit-led life of Christlikeness naturally extends into parental relationships, fostering an environment where children feel valued and understood, and guided toward spiritual maturity.
The Positive Commands
In the scriptural guidance of Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, Paul draws a significant contrast between the negative commands—what fathers should avoid—and the positive commands—what they should actively pursue in their role as parents.
"Bring them up" indicates more than physical nurturing; it encompasses a comprehensive approach to raising children that considers their emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs. This nurturing ensures that children have food, clothing, and shelter and that fathers spiritually and morally nourish them.
The term "discipline" refers to corrective measures and a comprehensive educational process. It is training that molds character and instructs children about boundaries and the consequences of their actions within a framework of love. This kind of discipline is constructive and supportive, aimed at guiding children toward a path of righteousness rather than merely punishing them for wrongdoing.
"Instruction" complements this by focusing on the need to counsel and warn children, guiding them towards wise choices and away from harmful paths. It involves more than just imparting knowledge; it is about influencing the will and the heart, encouraging children to embrace godly values and to apply them in everyday life.
The addition of "of the Lord" signifies that this education is distinctly Christian, not merely moral. It anchors the father's role in the context of divine instruction, suggesting that fathers must model and teach according to the principles that Christ Himself embodied and taught.
This scriptural mandate mirrors the Old Testament ethos, where instruction is intertwined with everyday life, as seen in Deuteronomy 6:6-7. Here, Moses instructs the Israelites to keep God's commandments in their hearts and to teach them diligently to their children—highlighting that spiritual instruction is an integral part of daily interactions and activities. Through life's everyday moments, this teaching method ensures that spiritual learning is not confined to formal settings but is a constant, living practice.
Positively, this is a charge to raise them in a way that they learn to love and follow God, equipped with the wisdom and character that reflect His teachings, ensuring that the faith is nurtured and passed on through generations.
Conclusion
Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 set a new standard for Christian fathers versus the typical first-century Roman practice, emphasizing a nurturing and spiritually focused approach to parenting. [1] The Scriptures require a disciplinary practice that guides children toward righteousness and maturity through love, understanding, and consistent moral guidance. Fathers are responsible for embodying the principles they teach, reflecting authentic spiritual leadership at home. By embracing these principles, fathers shape a future that reflects the kingdom of God, marked by love, righteousness, and holiness.
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[1] I did not get into it here, but this spiritual nurturing is grounded in God's covenant with His people. See Paul Randolph, "Applying the Family Covenant Model," Journal of Biblical Counseling Parts 1-3, 15:2, 15:3, and 16:1 (Winter 1997, Spring 1997, Fall 1997). Also see David Engelsma, "As a Father Pitieth His Children (Reformed Child Rearing)," Third Mill Study Bible Notes on Ephesians 6:4 (March 17, 2015), http://thirdmill.org/studybible/note.asp/id/41458.
Dr. Mark Horne is pastor of Andrews PCA in Andrews, South Carolina, Stated Clerk for Pee Dee Presbytery, and an adjunct professor for Birmingham Theological Seminary.
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