My wife finally had enough and lovingly said, “Could you please put your phone down? I’m right here.” To my shame, I defended myself and doubled down for a bit, but I knew she was right. I needed to put the phone down.1
I am not writing this as a guru who has figured out the proper balance of technology and uninterrupted time with my wife. I am writing as someone who falls short and by God’s grace hopes for better. This is a major problem for us all as the stats show the average person checks their phone every four minutes.2 That’s insane! Our phones are ruling our lives and ruining our marriages.
Intimacy
The apostle Peter tells husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered”(1 Peter 3:7). In order to obey Christ and love our wives as he loves the Church, we must know our wives. Do you want a lesson in intimacy? Your phone knows your favorite meal, your favorite sports team, and your favorite presbyterian podcast. Your phone was programmed to know you more as you spend more time with it. It studies your words, your facial expressions, and your searches.
Do you study your wife? Do you know her favorite dessert, her favorite movie, her greatest fears? You were created to know God and be known by him, and if you are married you are commanded to know your wife. Keep this in mind the next time you’re three responses deep in the X thread from “that guy” about “that issue” in South Dakota. Time would be better spent knowing the one whom God has gifted to you, the one with whom you share one flesh.
Idolatry
We know that all good things can become god-things to us. God has given us so many good gifts to enjoy for his glory but we are prone to “worship and serve the creature rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25). This is so true regarding our phones. We run to our phones for information, security, entertainment and more. It’s easy to get lost in an endless stream of reels and posts; we are enamored and are definitely beholding something.
G.K. Beale said, “What people revere, they resemble, either for ruin or for restoration”3, and this surely applies to our phones. The more we look at our phones to fill our cups the more our cups empty. The more we behold the angry mob, the more angry we become. The more we behold the cynicism, the more cynical we become. Surely all of this affects how we treat our wives. We’ve “hewed out cisterns for ourselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water”(Jeremiah 2:13). When we drink from these broken cisterns we cannot possibly love our wives as we are commanded in Ephesians chapter 5. So, let us look to Christ by faith in the ordinary means of grace; God promises to bless these means and transform us “into the same image from one degree of glory to another”(2 Corinthians 3:18b). Becoming more like Christ will help you love your wife.
Interruption
Our phones have trained us in the art of distraction and nothing says I love you like staring at your phone while your wife shares about her day. Sometimes we feel the need to answer every text or call immediately. We fear missing out on all the happenings so we are digitally present and physically absent. To be clear, there are emergency calls we need to take. We can’t be ignorant, but we must ask ourselves how much and what kind of interruption is necessary. We are commanded to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and we fail on a daily basis. Fighting distractions will help us in our pursuit of following this command and will help us to love our wives more deeply as a byproduct.
Intentionality
So, we are hindering intimacy, committing idolatry, and constantly being interrupted due to misuse of the machine in our pockets. What are we to do? Throw the thing away? Return to the days of the courier pigeon or just cut ourselves off from the outside world until the Lord returns? I think not.
There is a better way and it starts with repentance and faith. Repent of your phone misuse and the neglect of your duties as a husband. Believe the gospel of Jesus Christ and trust in his power and means to sanctify you now and in the future. Thank God for your wife and seek to be intentional with her. Be present when you are with her and fight to avoid the distraction. Take a lesson from your phone and the way it studies you: study your wife to know her, love her, and lead her.
We have entered into a covenant with one woman till death do us part; it’s time to divorce the phone. Put it down and take up her hand. What God has joined together, let no phone separate.
1 The smart phone is a good gift that allows us to stay connected when apart; also, it is a helpful worktool but we must have mastery over it, not it over us.
2 Tony Reinke, 12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2017), 16.
3 From his book We Become What We Worship: A Biblical Theology of Idolatry (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2008)
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