Westminster Larger Catechism 130 deals with the sins that superiors commit against their inferiors. One of the major sins that immediately strikes me as relevant for fathers to consider is this: “Inordinate seeking of themselves, their own glory, ease, profit, or pleasure.”
Ezekiel 34.1-4 provides an example of this sin: Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel. Prophesy and say to those shepherds, ‘Thus says the Lord God, “Woe, shepherds of Israel who have been feeding themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flock? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat sheep without feeding the flock. Those who are sickly you have not strengthened, the diseased you have not healed, the broken you have not bound up, the scattered you have not brought back, nor have you sought for the lost; but with force and with severity you have dominated them.
In Philippians 2.21, Paul describes men who were committing this sin, and he contrasted them with Timothy, who was genuinely concerned with the welfare of the people under his care. In John 7, Jesus alluded to the idea that Pharisees and others like them pursued their own glory instead of God’s. In Deuteronomy 17, God established laws to help kings avoid such behavior in Israel. And in Isaiah 56, the prophet rebuked the watchmen of Israel for pursuing their own gain and pleasure over their actual responsibilities.
All kinds of superiors (stylized as fathers in the fifth commandment) can be susceptible to using or neglecting their inferiors for the sake of pursuing glory, profit, or their own pleasure. And certainly, fathers in the household are no exception. Fathers can sit idly by as mothers force their daughters into things like beauty pageants or various types of recitals in order to honor and glorify themselves—not necessarily to enrich the child and honor God. They do it to live vicariously through their girls and to be showered with the compliments and the attention that come from having talented or gifted kids.
Men do this with their sons in sports. I've met more than one young man who pursued a particular sport, not because he was best at it, nor because it was his favorite; but because it was the sport that his father preferred him to play. Many young men have given up a pursuit of baseball or football or basketball in exchange for one of the others because that's what his dad liked best. And probably more than one man who reads this has had the misfortune of playing alongside a coach’s kid who just wasn't very good, and yet they were constantly elevated to the position of starting pitcher or starting point guard or starting quarterback because of the secondhand “glory” that comes from having a son that plays one of those prominent positions.
Is it wrong to enjoy our children? No. Is it wrong to be honored as a parent because of the character or accomplishments of our kids? No. Is it wrong to include them in activities, like sports, which we enjoy? Not inherently. Is it wrong to place them in activities to enrich them and honor the Lord, but also receive blessing or pleasure as they participate and excel? Again, no.
The problem is disordered affection. The problem is what you might call “inferior worship.” The central longing in our heart is the problem. Using our children as a means to elevate or satisfy the self is disordered. It’s actually the opposite of what we should be doing: sacrificing for them. We are to lead them, protect them, and serve them. They are not the golden goose or the conductor of the gravy train taking us to glory.
If you look at the mother and the father living vicariously through their children for their own glory, and you cringe—good. If the thought of becoming that father makes you wince—good! Those are proper responses to the sin. It means that your conscience is not seared. But that disgust with this sin should drive us all the more away from such a thing, and it should cause us to cast ourselves upon the grace and mercy of Jesus and plead with him that by his grace and the help of his Spirit that we would not trespass into such territory.
The world will provide us with plenty of temptations and opportunities to live vicariously through our children and use them for our own ends. But raising them is for and to the glory of God. That must be our primary goal. And superior worship—the right worship of the Lord in private and in public—this is what smashes idols and builds proper relationships in the home. That superior worship drives out the inferior worship and re-orders our affections to God and his purposes for our children.
Nate Xanders is the pastor of Christ the King Church (PCA) in Louisville, TN and serves as an editor for Reforming Men.
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