Sex is a wonderful gift from a loving God, and like all of His gifts, sinful mankind has received it with unthankfulness. While it was given for the mutual enjoyment and creative procreation of a husband and wife, the world has turned sex into a casual pastime and the ultimate expression of individuality. Unfortunately, worldly ideas about sex have seeped into Christian marriages. But Paul has something to say about it:
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5)
The Corinthians lived in a hyper-sexualized culture not unlike our own. Perhaps, because of this, their instinct was to abstain. With good intentions, they would say, “It’s good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman,”. The world had so corrupted the good gift of sex that the Corinthian Christians couldn’t look at it without being disgusted–better be rid of it entirely was their inclination.
Do Christians today lean into the same abstention? Among Christians, jokes are made about married couples only having had sex as many times as the amount of children they have. Husbands, too often, I hear you grimace as you try to laugh away only having sex on your birthday or anniversary. It might be more often than that, but frankly, the continuance of the joke reveals that it is not entirely untrue.
Then there are the ever-concerning and ever-growing porn statistics. How many men and women are making use of pornography (visual, literary, or otherwise) because they are living in sexless marriages? How many of these sexless marriages are created by that porn use? Or worse, how many of these sexless marriages lead to the habitual use of such filthy media?
The Corinthians thought that abstaining from sex would remedy issues like these. “If sex creates such problems in the world, and we don’t want those problems in our lives, then we’ll just get rid of sex altogether.” Have husbands and wives in the church today adopted a similar and unspoken approach to their own marriages?
Paul says this is wrong and suggests that the remedy to the creeping immorality of the world is for husbands and wives to have marriages that put sex to use properly. “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Sexless marriages are no marriages at all because sexless marriages are sin.
So, what do you do? What does repentance look like for a sexless marriage? As with all repentance, there are some things you should stop doing and some things you should start doing.
Stop thinking about sex in a worldly way.
1) Husbands and wives don’t just wake up one day and reach for a private browser or a smutty romance novel. So much of the world is allowed into our homes that these tendencies grow and fester like untreated wounds. Be vigilant to guard your viewing habits. Too often our thoughts are led astray by what we watch. (Psalm 119:37)
2) God made sex so we could have babies. This is why the devil hates sex, and it is why the world hates sex. Sex means more Presbyterian babies. But only if you let sex do its job. Husbands and wives, do not think about sex the way the world does, as a child-less activity for fun when you feel like it. Have children. Sex is better when you let it do its job.
3) Stop objectifying one another. Husbands, when you only want sex from your wife to satisfy your own pleasure, you objectify her as a carnal means to your carnal objective. Wives, when you withhold sex from your husband in order to control him you become a product that is traded for a good or service. “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (1 Cor 7:4)
Start living as a godly couple.
1) Communication is key. Commanded in 1 Corinthians 7:5 is regular communication between husband and wife about sex. “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Some of you may need to have discussions with your pastor about the difficulties that your worldly notions have brought into your marriage. This may take some time. But in order to remedy the marital strain of porn or objectification, you must communicate with your spouse.
Eventually this leads to fun communication. Flirt with your spouse. Have sex on your mind. The Bible doesn’t prohibit thinking about sex–but it has to be sex with your spouse.
2) Lastly, perhaps the most obvious part: have sex. Cultivate warmth and affection in your marriage and enjoy your spouse. A preacher once told me that in marriage, sex is meant to be regular and continual. Regular in terms of frequency, continual in terms of longevity. Have sex often, and don’t stop. (Your mind may race to all the exceptions– sickness, postpartum, etc. There are indeed exceptions, but don’t let the exceptions be the rule, let the rule be the rule.)
Repent of your sexless marriage. It's the most fun repentance you'll ever get to do.
For what it’s worth, I realize that this article may create more questions than it answers. But don’t worry. Here at Reforming Men, we are committed to having regular conversations about godly sex. This won’t be the last you hear on the subject.
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